The Velvet Rope

Yes, yes yes... I know it's been a really long time.

Well, there's been some changes to the state of the Ella. A lot of fucking changes. This past year (almost) has been really eventful. And now, here we are, many moons later, without a naughty story for you ladies and gentlemen. I feel it's only fair to post an update before we begin the naughty stories again.

The end of last summer, the boyfriend and I moved. Closer to home- where we grew up and we first met. We moved because we could get an apartment twice the size for the same rent than we could back in the old place. It was one of those things we had talked about doing for years...and, we finally did it! Now, it's me, the boyfriend, and our newest addition, a little black cat. And even though I am happy here in the new place...god damn I miss the old place. The old place, as shitty as it was, felt like home. Here, I am home, and yet things aren't quite where they need to be. It's OK though- it'll take time... I haven't really had the time to explore my new city like I should. I still get lost if if I'm going anywhere besides work and home.

And, basically right around the corner, lives the Newbies. You remember them, right? How could you forget? Every day I am reminded how lucky I am to have such fantastic friends so close. This is definetly a new thing for me. I have historcally been the kind of person who keeps my distance. I don't have a lot of friends, and I now I have completely opened up my life to them. Things are good. Different, but good.

The Newbies themselves have had a new addition- a beautiful baby boy! He's awesome. I am so happy for them. It makes me happy because they are happy!

To be honest, there's a little part of me that panicks sometimes... many of my friendships along the way have been lost when they have kids. I have friends who either 1. completely never talk to me again or 2. pepper the conversation with " Ella, you don't have kids, so you don't understand." which makes me feel bad. Like suddenly they are in a VIP club which I couldn't possibly understand- (much less get past the velvet rope) and I'm crazy for even trying to. I'm pretty sure that this won't happen now. But it causes a bit of stress. It's one of those things that you can't really talk about, you know? Everyone swears they won't change, but they do. You can't help it- its a life changing experience. I feel guilty for even hoping something will remain the same. Kind of like the girl left behind spinning her wheels on a broken bike when you know everyone else is cruising down the path they always wanted.

Anywho, I'm going back to school to get my master's degree. Apparently, I didn't have enough paper writing as an undergrad, and I had to go back for more.I don't know why the fuck I did it. I had this rosy picture in my mind of going back to school and emerging, like a Phoenix, with a new job that would pay me a salary that isn't inches over minimum wage on that little chart they put in break rooms.

As for my sex life... well, it hasn't been active. I have been too stressed out with working on my slightly-better-than minimum wage job to feel hot. Instead I feel tired and annoyed and grumpy and frumpy and basically, the direct opposite of hot. No one hits on me anymore. Correction--- one guy hit on me on the bus last week. He said that I should put his name on my phone because my boyfriend would think he was a girl. He name was Sharon... pronounced Shar-ON... or something like that. He made me laugh- it was a creative pick up line. I have to give him that. Did I feel hot? Not exactly.

And, despite all my bitching, I'm generally happy. I just really, really need to feel hot again. And not gross and untouchable. I just want to be wanted. Not an afterthought. Or an aside. Or someone who can't get through on VIP.

Happy 100th post to me! I kind of stuck with something! :)

godamn this blog has been heavy recently

But you know, I have emotions or whatever :)

You can stand under my umberella...ella ella...

You'd think one of the hardest thing about being in an open relationship is seeing your lover with another person. For many it is. I never had so much of a problem with that. There may be little things here or there that twinge a bit when it happens, but not as much. I think it's because with the boyfriend, I know he is there. We may not be legally married or whatever, but I know that we've spent our time together, we are here together, and we aren't going anywhere. 10 years will do that.

But the things that have made me go bonkers (bonkers meaning completely out of my mind and going apeshit or whatever) has been with other couples. I may not be the norm in that, I understand that most people might probably be jealous because it stung when she calls him a pet name (read the drama couple for more info on that) or it just sucks to see your wife with another man, or vice versa. This lifestyle isn't for everyone. I understand that. But that isn't me. I went into this knowing (and being perfectly ok with more or less) that the boyfriend would be fucking another woman. It turned me on actually. A different view of the action I suppose.

And now that I'm here, have had my feet in the water, waded around, swan dived into the deep end, and have enough time to sip a drink and lounge on a float, there are some things that have made me nuts. And it's weird because I don't know why these things would make me crazy, but they do. And it makes me feel even worse than I feel it should, because what connection do these people have on you? They met you on a swinger site, stupid. Why wouldn't they be interested in other people? You can't possibly be that interesting! So not only do I have my hurt feelings, but then there's the voice in my head trying desperately to bring me back to reality but making me feel that much worse on top of it.

I remember two very specific days back in our "history" of swinging (I'm not sure you would even call what we do swinging now, though at that time it was) that the first couple we met stood us up on two nights in a row. Not two dates. Two freaking nights, a Tuesday and a Wednesday. Wouldn't have been so bad if the Wednesday wasn't a make up day because they sucked so hard on the day before. You know... the whole "Oh yeah we're so sorry. We will come by tomorrow and make it up."

And me, like an asshole, I got all ready for them to come over on the second day (not that there was that much to do because I was all prepared for them the day before) and they didn't. Didn't call. Didn't IM. Didn't do a goddamn thing but make me check the AIM every 5 seconds and then cry the whole night because I was so fucking hurt by the whole thing.

In their defense, they did apologize a week or so later. Their car broke down they said, but so did phones in the entire fucking boro apparently. (What, you can't call?) Although, with their luck, it may have just happened that way. I don't know. I said I see. Asked them to call the next time, not to stand us up like that and basically we haven't seen them since (we did go to Great Adventure a while ago)

(Yeah I'm a pansy. As much as hate to admit, I will cry at the drop of a hat. I try and do the stereotypical guy thing and shake it off and blame allergies or whatever lol )

I remember feeling awful that night. Like stupid on a whole other level. Like the worst, stinkiest, drippiest piece of garbage because I can't even manage to get someone enough to come over on a pure human interest level. Just to make sure that you didn't feel bad. I remember the boyfriend trying to make me feel better, holding me and telling me it would be ok. I knew he didn't understand why I was so upset and I couldn't really verbalize what I was feeling. I felt pissed because I wouldn't do that to them. I would never have dreamed of standing them up or making them feel bad in any sense of the word. I would have done anything, anything to make sure they didn't feel bad. At all. If it rained I'd try and make a phone call to make it go away. And I felt stupid because apparently my feelings were just my own. I should have known. I gave for no good reason. Nothing we did really mattered. Way to go, dumbass.

I've finally begun to understand (I don't know if that's the right word. Claim maybe is better.) that's why these things make me feel so bad. I feel like I'm going outside my comfort zone and opening not my relationship, but myself to other people. That's a big fucking open wound, if you think of it. Take your most vulnerable, precious place and give it to someone else who may or may not have that same interest in you, and see if it doesn't make you crazy. Take the thing that means the most to you, and put it in someone else's hands. And then hope they have the same consideration for you that you do for them.

It's disconcerting, to say the least.

I've questioned whether or not I want that level of vulnerability in my relationships. In my life! Do I want to try and possibly be hurt? Why? Why should I? Why should I when otherwise I'd be happy and safe and loved and wouldn't be up crying all night? I'm only playing with fire. When it goes wrong it makes me feel horrible.

And, yet I think I do. When it does right, it feels better than anything you can imagine. And I've been blessed that recently, it has gone right. It took a while. And I feel like, in way I'm ok with it, in baby steps.

Sometimes, I think that to an extent, I'm the girl with the umbrella. When I open it to you, it's always open. If you ignore, (disregard, forget, whatever) my offer, well you're ignoring everything I had tried to be. And that fucking sucks.

The tiny little blip

I've been in an ultra sensitive mood recently. I can't put my finger on what exactly it's been that's bothering me. I woke up this morning at 4 am and couldn't fall back asleep. I laid there and stared at nothing really (since it was dark and I didn't have my contacts in everything was a blur) and just felt this strange mix of bored and alone and sad and nothing at all. The nothing at all part is what shocked me the most though. Usually if I wake up like that it's because I'm anxious about money or bills or work or something and I freak out until I can come up with a good enough plan to work out my worry and then I go back to sleep. I usually do my best thinking then. Then and when I'm driving.

But this morning I just sat there and stared and the fuzzy white ceiling. I felt small and insignificant, like if I disappeared it wouldn't matter. Not in the boo-hoo nobody loves me, self-pitying kind of way. But like the universe is so big and there's so much out there kind of way. Like me & my apartment would hardly cause the slightest blip in the radar.

And I don't really know what to do about that feeling. I can usually work something out in my head to make everything feel right again. But I haven't quite figured out how to shake that feeling.

A few nights ago I wanted to see the Perseid meteor shower. The boyfriend and I waited until the time it was supposed to be the brightest, went out to the darkest place we could find and waited. And waited. And waited. And saw nothing. I wasn't surprised, but I was disappointed. Somehow, an event that people could see all over the world just didn't exist for me.

I think that's kind of a good example of how I feel. I'm always waiting for something that may or may not happen. Recently I think I've come to the realization that things just aren't going to happen, and if I want something, I'm just going to have to think of a way to get it myself. At the end of the day, it's just not going to happen by itself. Which sounds obvious, but when you feel like the tiniest blip on the radar, it's easy to feel like things just happen to you. And to make things happen for you seems as hard as an ant moving a mountain.

This mood, like everything else, will pass I'm sure. I'm just writing to try and and hurry it out so something better can come along :)

here's a new quiz!

I thought this was funny. Got it on my first try.

You're Lolita!

by Vladimir Nabokov

Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with
sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every
way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes
this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and
probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real.
Please stay away from children.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Tag, I'm it!

I've been tagged by the Fury

My task, that I've chosen to accept, is to reveal 7 random facts about myself. Here we go.

1. I like bright pretty colors like turquoise and purple and lime green. They make me happy.

2. I'm painfully shy and awkward around people I don't know. Which is the complete opposite of how I am once I know you. In fact, I will typically talk your ear off once I get past that intial barrier.

3. I've got strange issues with food. I don't like weird textures (for instance, I HATE when you have have a random piece of corn in mashed potatoes. Yuck yuck yuck.) When I'm nervous or upset I can't eat. I've been told when I go to restaurants I pick at my food. And when I'm really really upset, I get phsically ill.

4. Once when I was a kid I had a dream about a woman who was in a car accident in an ice storm and died. The next morning my family received a phone call that my cousin died in a car accident. Her car slipped on the ice. I couldn't sleep for months.

5. I have always secretly wished I could sing and be a rockstar.

6. I have read the Little House on the Prarie Books an embarassing amount of times.

7. I went through a whole fake hair stage so I have several wigs stashed in a drawer in my bedroom.

Clamps and toys oh my!

So we bought new toys today.

Ever since he saw it, the boyfriend wanted to buy an under bed restraint system. Who am I to complain? I love being tied up. He wants to buy a restraint system? Fuck yeah, I'm all over it. Let's see how we use it :)

I had been insistent on us buying nipple clamps for a while. I didn't want the mean ones with the angry little metal teeth. I'm too much of a wimp for that. We opted for rubber coated adjustable clamps with pretty sparkly purple jewels. We tried them earlier tonight, and they are a big go.

So, we got nipple clamps, a restraint system and a horny Ella. Let's go!