The tiny little blip

I've been in an ultra sensitive mood recently. I can't put my finger on what exactly it's been that's bothering me. I woke up this morning at 4 am and couldn't fall back asleep. I laid there and stared at nothing really (since it was dark and I didn't have my contacts in everything was a blur) and just felt this strange mix of bored and alone and sad and nothing at all. The nothing at all part is what shocked me the most though. Usually if I wake up like that it's because I'm anxious about money or bills or work or something and I freak out until I can come up with a good enough plan to work out my worry and then I go back to sleep. I usually do my best thinking then. Then and when I'm driving.

But this morning I just sat there and stared and the fuzzy white ceiling. I felt small and insignificant, like if I disappeared it wouldn't matter. Not in the boo-hoo nobody loves me, self-pitying kind of way. But like the universe is so big and there's so much out there kind of way. Like me & my apartment would hardly cause the slightest blip in the radar.

And I don't really know what to do about that feeling. I can usually work something out in my head to make everything feel right again. But I haven't quite figured out how to shake that feeling.

A few nights ago I wanted to see the Perseid meteor shower. The boyfriend and I waited until the time it was supposed to be the brightest, went out to the darkest place we could find and waited. And waited. And waited. And saw nothing. I wasn't surprised, but I was disappointed. Somehow, an event that people could see all over the world just didn't exist for me.

I think that's kind of a good example of how I feel. I'm always waiting for something that may or may not happen. Recently I think I've come to the realization that things just aren't going to happen, and if I want something, I'm just going to have to think of a way to get it myself. At the end of the day, it's just not going to happen by itself. Which sounds obvious, but when you feel like the tiniest blip on the radar, it's easy to feel like things just happen to you. And to make things happen for you seems as hard as an ant moving a mountain.

This mood, like everything else, will pass I'm sure. I'm just writing to try and and hurry it out so something better can come along :)