You can stand under my umberella...ella ella...

You'd think one of the hardest thing about being in an open relationship is seeing your lover with another person. For many it is. I never had so much of a problem with that. There may be little things here or there that twinge a bit when it happens, but not as much. I think it's because with the boyfriend, I know he is there. We may not be legally married or whatever, but I know that we've spent our time together, we are here together, and we aren't going anywhere. 10 years will do that.

But the things that have made me go bonkers (bonkers meaning completely out of my mind and going apeshit or whatever) has been with other couples. I may not be the norm in that, I understand that most people might probably be jealous because it stung when she calls him a pet name (read the drama couple for more info on that) or it just sucks to see your wife with another man, or vice versa. This lifestyle isn't for everyone. I understand that. But that isn't me. I went into this knowing (and being perfectly ok with more or less) that the boyfriend would be fucking another woman. It turned me on actually. A different view of the action I suppose.

And now that I'm here, have had my feet in the water, waded around, swan dived into the deep end, and have enough time to sip a drink and lounge on a float, there are some things that have made me nuts. And it's weird because I don't know why these things would make me crazy, but they do. And it makes me feel even worse than I feel it should, because what connection do these people have on you? They met you on a swinger site, stupid. Why wouldn't they be interested in other people? You can't possibly be that interesting! So not only do I have my hurt feelings, but then there's the voice in my head trying desperately to bring me back to reality but making me feel that much worse on top of it.

I remember two very specific days back in our "history" of swinging (I'm not sure you would even call what we do swinging now, though at that time it was) that the first couple we met stood us up on two nights in a row. Not two dates. Two freaking nights, a Tuesday and a Wednesday. Wouldn't have been so bad if the Wednesday wasn't a make up day because they sucked so hard on the day before. You know... the whole "Oh yeah we're so sorry. We will come by tomorrow and make it up."

And me, like an asshole, I got all ready for them to come over on the second day (not that there was that much to do because I was all prepared for them the day before) and they didn't. Didn't call. Didn't IM. Didn't do a goddamn thing but make me check the AIM every 5 seconds and then cry the whole night because I was so fucking hurt by the whole thing.

In their defense, they did apologize a week or so later. Their car broke down they said, but so did phones in the entire fucking boro apparently. (What, you can't call?) Although, with their luck, it may have just happened that way. I don't know. I said I see. Asked them to call the next time, not to stand us up like that and basically we haven't seen them since (we did go to Great Adventure a while ago)

(Yeah I'm a pansy. As much as hate to admit, I will cry at the drop of a hat. I try and do the stereotypical guy thing and shake it off and blame allergies or whatever lol )

I remember feeling awful that night. Like stupid on a whole other level. Like the worst, stinkiest, drippiest piece of garbage because I can't even manage to get someone enough to come over on a pure human interest level. Just to make sure that you didn't feel bad. I remember the boyfriend trying to make me feel better, holding me and telling me it would be ok. I knew he didn't understand why I was so upset and I couldn't really verbalize what I was feeling. I felt pissed because I wouldn't do that to them. I would never have dreamed of standing them up or making them feel bad in any sense of the word. I would have done anything, anything to make sure they didn't feel bad. At all. If it rained I'd try and make a phone call to make it go away. And I felt stupid because apparently my feelings were just my own. I should have known. I gave for no good reason. Nothing we did really mattered. Way to go, dumbass.

I've finally begun to understand (I don't know if that's the right word. Claim maybe is better.) that's why these things make me feel so bad. I feel like I'm going outside my comfort zone and opening not my relationship, but myself to other people. That's a big fucking open wound, if you think of it. Take your most vulnerable, precious place and give it to someone else who may or may not have that same interest in you, and see if it doesn't make you crazy. Take the thing that means the most to you, and put it in someone else's hands. And then hope they have the same consideration for you that you do for them.

It's disconcerting, to say the least.

I've questioned whether or not I want that level of vulnerability in my relationships. In my life! Do I want to try and possibly be hurt? Why? Why should I? Why should I when otherwise I'd be happy and safe and loved and wouldn't be up crying all night? I'm only playing with fire. When it goes wrong it makes me feel horrible.

And, yet I think I do. When it does right, it feels better than anything you can imagine. And I've been blessed that recently, it has gone right. It took a while. And I feel like, in way I'm ok with it, in baby steps.

Sometimes, I think that to an extent, I'm the girl with the umbrella. When I open it to you, it's always open. If you ignore, (disregard, forget, whatever) my offer, well you're ignoring everything I had tried to be. And that fucking sucks.